Just over five years ago, I started an exciting new job as a web designer for a software company. The opportunity arose after getting laid off as a government contractor and spending eight months moving from job to job in search of the right one.
And there is no doubt that I found the "right" one. The work was challenging and varied. My boss was open, engaging and expected the very best from me. My skillset grew, as I learned more about CSS, accessibility, semantic markup and SEO. And then the added bonuses of business casual dress and a 15-minute commute.
Then about 18 months later, this software company was acquired. And everything changed. Granted, it changed slowly, but it soon became apparent that our little three-person web team wasn't going to enjoy the same ability to set standards for our web site. We weren't going to have as great a say in the direction of our site and web-based efforts. We were going to be fighting against a bigger machine that didn't embrace the web the way we did.
But, I sort of saw it as an opportunity to show the machine our passion and enthusiasm and make it contagious. And my boss was just as hopeful. We had the skills of some of the best in our industry, we just had to show our new employer what that meant and how it could benefit the company.
Sixty-four months later, those hopes are gone. I no longer have any faith that I can affect change. I don't believe the company wants to embrace the web and strive to be the best. But even worse, over these five years, I've become bitter and apathetic. And I've become the kind of person I never wanted to be.
It Means Nothing If You Don't Do Something
I readily admit I have a tendency to bitch. Whether it is about the douchebag on the road who thinks using his turn signal is a sign of weakness, or it is the ongoing crap with certain members of my family. And, like many people, I bitch about work … the little stuff, the big stuff, and everything in-between.
I also, unlike many people, tend to be open, public and vocal with my bitching (thanks, Twitter). But what I've always taken pride in is the fact that while I do bitch, I try very hard to do something about what it is that has got my panties in a bunch. Not with the lame stuff like bad drivers, but with the big stuff.
And I tried to do this for several years at my job. Constantly bringing issues to my boss's and his bosses' attention, constantly trying to educate the internal clients I worked with about best practices and goals. Even filing complaints with HR and escalating issues to the top of the food chain, when things got particularly bad.
But I eventually gave up. And I turned to just bitching and whining, and not doing anything about it. Sure, there'd be moments of hope when I'd fall for the corporate party lines, but I was always proven a sucker eventually.
And yet I stayed. I stayed far too long.
Scared Shitless
Fear had somehow become my companion. Fear had convinced me that I needed that very decent salary; that I needed the paid benefits; that I needed the security of a paycheck every two weeks.
Part of the fear, I think, is that I moved to Albuquerque three years ago (one of the nice perks of my employment, I must admit). And Albuquerque does not have a good (or even a sorta okay) job market for experienced web designers. I had looked for a job before moving with no success. And since moving, I hadn't heard of any opportunities that were up my alley.
But Albuquerque offers me so much more in terms of quality of life, and that love for my new home became tied in with my fear. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to leave the friends that had become my family, or the community that sustained me.
And so I justified my fear and staying in a job that made me miserable. And I justified my bitching without action.
I Control Me
But last week I had enough. Work got to such a bad point for me, and my frustration level was at an all-time high, that it gave me what I needed more than anything else: a big ole slap upside my head.
I saw my decision to stay at this soul-sucking job for what it was: fear of the unknown. And there is one thing I will not do, and that is let fear control my life.
I can't do anything about fear, and that makes it all the more scary. But I can do something about whatever may happen with my future. If I struggle financially, I can do something about that. If I need health insurance, I can do something about that. If I need to relocate for another job, I can do something about that.
Fuck fear. Because I know I am strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way. I've done it before. It is who I am. I just forgot along the way.
I Won't Settle for Half-Assed
I remember who I am now. I am a person with a strong work ethic. I have passion and excitement. I am talented and, even more than that, I want to work hard to be even better than I am today.
I can no longer work in an environment where those wonderful qualities are squashed like a bug by the huge corporate thumb. I can no longer tolerate paralyzing bureaucracy. I can no longer be a part of a system that rewards incompetence as long as it is accompanied by ass-kissing.
I want to be amazing. I want to work with other people who want the same thing. I want to feel inspired and challenged again. I want to be back to that place where I get to learn new things, rather than spend hours making HTML emails and fixing vendors' shoddy work.
And so I gave my two-weeks notice on Friday. I quit. I quit without another job lined up. I quit without any concrete sense of what I'm going to do.
Best Decision?
Was quitting the best decision? Yes. Unequivocally yes.
Sure, my practical self is screaming at me for not knowing what is next. That ugly fear is whispering constantly in my ear. And I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get to where I want to be.
But I can deal with all of that. I know I'm going to freak out along the way. I know there is going to be some struggle. But I can take care of me. I know this. I have the utmost faith in myself.
From the moment I made the decision to quit, I knew in my heart it was right. I know in my heart that over the long-term, this will prove to be the best decision of my life. Because today, I've never felt more powerful or hopeful.
All Things Happen for a Reason
I've come to believe that every decision in life ultimately takes you to where you need to be. And there is no sense in questioning why it took so long. It took as long as it needed to. I needed to get to my rock-bottom in order to give fear the finger.
This journey is best described by a poem from Portia Nelson I stumbled across many years ago:
Moving On: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
- I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless … It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out. - I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place again, but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out. - I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it's a habit.
My eyes are open … I know where I am … It is my fault.
I get out immediately. - I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it. - I walk down another street.
What's Next?
Other than finish out the next two weeks (or until I piss someone off with this post), the obvious is what's next. I need to find work. I've never thought of myself as someone who wanted her own business. I never really wanted to be a freelancer. But maybe that is my next challenge to conquer. To redefine what I've thought of myself professionally and try something new and scary.
And, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I still do want the security of a steady paycheck and paid health insurance would be nice. So, I will remain open to working for another company. I will just do my damnedest to make sure I won't be walking into another environment that isn't suited for the kind of person I am.
For now, I'm focusing on updating my resume and redesigning my portfolio. And I'm going to tackle the 10–idea–long list of blog posts I have. I'm going to follow through with the connections I've made locally and globally to see where there may be opportunities.
It will be interesting to see what happens … and I'm looking forward to it.
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